I'd like to tell you a story
About what it's like to be a walking hypochondriac in the 1990's
Oh but I can't 'cause... I'm not feeling good
I think I'm coming down with something,
something serious.

And I'd like to tell you a story
About what it's like to be the pessimistic voice in the crowd everywhere I go
Oh but I can't 'cause... what difference whould it make?
everything would still be as terrible as it is right now,
so why go on living?

I'd like to tell you a story
About how I've alienated everybody I've ever met in my whole entire life.
Nah, but I can't 'cause... 'Cuz you're so stupid
you probably don't even know what a big word like "alineate" even means!

Life is hard
Life is rough
Life is cruel
Life is tough
Oh, like a dog stuck in a tree
I've been abandoned by humanity

And I'd like to tell you a story
about how hard it is for me to concentrate.
I'm so easily distracted everytime I try to do my work
Nahh, but I can't tell you about that 'cause.... Ooh! when did I break that nail?
Damn, I hate when that happens.

And I'd like to tell you a story
About how I can't ever seem to make a decision these days
I've become so undecided about everything.
Nah but I can't cause...
Oh yes I can!
No I can't...
Yes, I can...
No! No No No

And I'd like to tell you a story
About how it feels to be extremely PMS right now
Ah but I can't... 'cause I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!

Life is hard
Life is rough
Life is cruel
Life is tough
Oh, like a dog stuck in a tree
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, woe is me